To Pay or Not to Pay? It’s often a confusing question when dating a new man.
What would you do in this situation?
You’re having dinner with a man you find very attractive. He’s sexy, smart, sensitive and fun. He’s a gentleman. He treats you well. He makes you laugh. He’s entertaining. And it seems like he’s really into you.
The evening is delightful. Romantic. Absolutely perfect.
Then the check arrives.
Your date looks at the check and says, “Should we just split this?”
And your heart sinks.
(Damn.) (Just when everything was going so great.)
A. Tell him how rude he is and how he should NEVER ask a woman to pay.
B. Reluctantly give in to his request and pay your share.
C. Negotiate with him about who pays.
If you answered A, you’re not giving him the right to be who he is. (Most men don’t go for controlling bitchy women.) (Even if they are cheap.)
If you answered B, you’re not standing up for yourself. And you’ll resent (and punish) him later because paying for your meal doesn’t make you feel good.
If you answered C, you’re willing to take a risk on building an intimate relationship.
So should you decide to negotiate…how would you do it? (You may ask.)
1. Acknowledge Your Date Has the Right to Ask for What He Wants
Even if you don’t like what he asks for.
If he asks you to pay (because he’s broke; he just wants to be friends; he doesn’t want to offend you by paying; or whatever…) remember he has a right to ask.
And if he’s someone you want to build a relationship with, it’s in your best interest to acknowledge it.
So tell him he has every right to ask you to pay your share.
2. Tell Him How You Feel About What He’s Asked
If you don’t feel comfortable splitting the tab, tell him.
Let him know you respect men who are generous and protective. And in return you’ll feel more vulnerable and receptive to his lead and ideas.
It’s in your best interest to feel a little indebted to a man you’re dating. As you feel safer and cherished by his generosity, you’re better able to open up sensually and sexually.
(How many men think that’s a good idea? :))
3. Negotiate an Agreement
Ask what he wants to do.
Does he want to pay the bill and establish himself as the respected leader in the relationship? (If so, you’re building intimacy.)
Or does he prefer to find someone else who will split the check with him? (That’s called friendship. When a woman pays equal to a man there isn’t a log of intimacy promoted.)
Generally, I believe whoever initiates the date should pay. But everyone has a right to ask for what they want. And in a situation such as this, it’s a good idea to know how to negotiate.
So give your date permission to ask for what he wants, tell him how you feel about it and make an agreement.
Knowing how to negotiate helps build intimacy in all your relationships…not just in dating and romance!
Many times we “blow” a situation because we don’t know how to communicate and negotiate to get what we want.