Would you like to know how to have an amazing relationship with your partner? A lasting, loving, wonderful relationship? To maintain that spark, the fire and the passion for each other?
Then read on.
We all have 6 basic human needs. And these needs are:
1) To have certainty – to feel safe
2) To have uncertainty and also variety – to have change
3) Significance – to feel important to someone
4) Connection and Love
5) To have growth – If we aren’t growing we are going backwards, or worse dieing
6) Finally to have contribution – to give back something.
The first four are the most important and must be met if a relationship is to survive.
In many relationships where a couple have children, I have found the woman gets all her needs met by her offspring. She will get unconditional love, significance, connection, certainty and variety as all parents know. No day is ever the same with children around. The mother may also get growth, as she has to adapt to the children’s needs. And finally she will also get contribution as she is bringing them up. If we are talking about a typical family here. Normally when this happens the partner can sometimes lose the love of the woman or man. Or that they don’t show it as much because he or she subconsciously feels they get all their needs met from the children. The husband feels shut out or pushed aside, so he starts to hold back love as well, and so the situation starts the downward spiral.
I have seen this happen in many, many of my clients. I am now going to tell you something that might seem alien or strange but listen up You and your partner come first. Children come second. Not the other way round. If you are both happy and strong together then the family unit is strong. Period! It is essential if not vital that you should look after each other first. I tell my clients that they need to imagine themselves as a jug of water and the children as beakers. The children need to be filled up by you, but if you are empty you have nothing to give. Fill you life up, look after yourself and your partner so you can both fill your children up and all become stronger, happier and a unit.
How do you find out how your partner gets their needs met. Simple, ask them! Ask your wife or husband. Find out how they feel certain. Is it from knowing that you will always be there? That you’re reliable. That you work well as a team, or make the decisions together. How do you feel certainty?
Go through each human need and find out how you get them and how your partner feels they get them.
For love, is it when you are left little love notes, or is it when you are told how much you are loved, or by being touched? Find out what it is that makes you get your needs met and make sure you get them met. Check in with each other regularly.
Their will be times when you will subconsciously test each other to see if during a difficult time you can still rely on your partner to get your needs met. We all do it, as this is part of having certainty. If during an argument instead of slipping into an old habit and walking out which does not provide love, certainty or significance and if you always do it certainly won’t be providing variety. Don’t run out, stay in the room and ride out the argument together. Don’t shut down, stay open and see what happens. You could amaze your partner, and become so much stronger.
Some people put certainty above love. What this means is they won’t truly offer their heart to you until they feel certain. This will lead to all sorts of problems. If you hold the needs for love above certainty then you are willing to put yourself forward. When you do this you can get so much back from life. I believe in this life, if you give love you get love. No man is an island. It’s true; we are all connected and by giving love to your partner, no matter what, they will give you so much back.
Find out what you both need to get your six human needs met from each other.
When you satisfy any two needs of a person, you have a connection.
When you satisfy four of the needs you create a bond
If you meet all six then they will never leave you.
So find out what you need to feel satisfied and what your partner needs. Check in with them regularly.
Here’s to a loving future.
Enjoy each other.