Did you know psychologists concur that having a relationship break up is like going through grief? Contrasting grieving and getting over a break up, you can probably see why. In both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go. By using similar principles to grieving for someone, you can get over a relationship breakup.
I want you to know bad relationships happen and how to detect them and for you to learn useful advice for managing your break up such as having a support group and keeping your internal thoughts on the right track. You can see these tips are useful for those who are mourning.
You firstly need to be aware that break ups are a part of relationships and life. Acknowledge relationships end all the time. You probably wouldn’t have been able to experience the wonderful feelings you had with the partner you are breaking up with if you hadn’t broken up with someone before. The same can be said for your future partner. You won’t be able to experience the wonderful times and emotions with them if you don’t get over your broken relationship.
Types of Break Ups
Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger while others can be a complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups:
1. You chose to break up – this type of break up is the easiest and will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision will make you happier then being in the relationship.
2. The other person chose to break up – the hardest type of break up to deal with is the other person deciding to break up with you and is the main focus in this article.
3. Mutual break up – the two of you have talked the process through and concluded splitting up is the best option. The rarest type of break up where each individual often cares how the other person they are leaving feels about the decision. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common.
Coming to terms with breaking up and knowing which type it is will initiate you being able to get over your relationship break up. However, it isn’t that clear-cut. You can often undergo a painfully recurrent uncertainty when splitting up where you wonder if the two of you are actually apart.
The Golden Rule of Moving On
Having truly realized that break ups happen and more importantly that they will happen to you, it’s time to tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up.
Repeatedly affirm yourself and internalize the belief that you want to get over the person you are breaking up with.
How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person?
It happens too often.
What is even worse then being resistant to getting over the person yet wanting to not get over them is not being aware of the mental tug-o-war game within you. The internal conflict within yourself will leave you frustrated and not in control of your thoughts and emotions. You’ll be uncertain of getting back together with your old partner while being unwilling to move on and enjoy your life by yourself or with another partner.
You have to be certain of yourself and know what you want. Don’t destroy the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person such as “What makes me still attracted to the person?”, “Why can’t I get over him/her?”, and “What do I like about the person?” to develop an understanding of yourself. Ask yourself other questions that you think will help clarify your emotions and thoughts.
Clarity will form a direction you will head towards in your life. It will tell you where not to go. It will show you want you want. You will no longer have second thoughts and be uncertain of what you want. By clearly defining a destination you are able to map out a path as to how you will arrive there.
If you have a choice of flying to one of Paris or Sydney, and you constantly hesitate because you want to visit both cities and you don’t want to miss the other, you’ll never make a decision and will miss out on visiting either city.
There’s a russian proverb that says “if you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you will achieve neither and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire.
Conduct an ‘investigation’ making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve ‘the crime’. Using this golden rule is the fundamental technique in getting over a relationship breakup.