Communication is the most challenging, frustrating, and confusing thing most of us will ever do. Ask any person who is raising a teenager, dealing with a demanding boss, or placating crazy customers on a daily basis.
But at the same time, when communication does work, when you really connect and create a new level of compassion and understanding with someone, it can be the most rewarding, heart-opening, and make-your-life-worth-living experience you’ve ever had.
I was once told that the natural outcome of most communication sadly is misunderstanding, and, after twenty years of studying the field, I think this is more fact than fiction.
If you are raising kids, or have gone through a divorce or even just have parents, I probably don’t need to remind you that to create the relationship of your dreams you need every possible skill, tip, tool and technique available. I wish someone had taught me about these mistakes years and heartbreaks ago, but
I have discovered most of the 5 relationship communication mistakes the hard way by making them. And I didn’t just make them once, but over and over and over and Well, you get the point. Sometimes it can take a while to see what’s right in front of you. So, read on. You needn’t make the same mistakes I’ve made.
The first heart-breaking mistake is Building a Case against somebody by gathering evidence and showing examples. We think that if we just prove our point, show them how smart and right we are and how wrong they are, then they will surely see our wisdom and embrace us in awe of our insight.
“How’s that working for you?”… It doesn’t work, it never has worked, and it never will work.
In reality, building a case against somebody will only make them more distant. When we show the other person how bad, wrong and stupid they are they’ll only want to run from us.
So, what’s the alternative? At our “Create Relationship Magic” seminars we teach you a four-step method called The Language of Peace a way to speak compassionately and build connections with people instead of building cases against them.
This method focuses on relating to the other person’s feelings and needs. It’s a way to make sure the other person feels connectedfeels that they have been heard and are respected for their feelings, thoughts and needs. Only then is it effective to make a request around your own needs that won’t be heard as ‘case building.’
So, the first question to ask yourself before you start to speak is, “Do I want to build a case against them , or do I want to build a connection with them?” And then your intent, along with the four steps of the Language of Peace, will guide you in building the connection you want.
Avoiding this one mistake is the most important in keeping my relationship with my beloved as close and intimate as it is. I have to ask myself constantly whether I’m l looking to build a case against him to show him how bad, wrong and stupid it is to leave the wet sponge in the bottom of the sink. Or whether I’d rather build a connection with him by thanking him for washing the dishes and contributing to our cozy home.
There are more mistakes beyond the 5 Relationship Communication mistakes that we discuss in our seminars, teleseminars and MP3s, of course. But you will be amazed how much of a difference understanding and avoiding even this first mistake will make in your life. In my next article I’ll discuss mistake number 2, ‘Story Telling.’