Marry Yourself First

It is hard to escape the connection between June and weddings. This got me thinking about marriage and the different kinds of love.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Neither is loving oneself unconditionally which is the basis for any healthy relationship. Ain’t that a bitch?! Love all the ugly? Yup, cause it’s only you calling it that.

At the risk of repeating myself from other articles let me say this: You are whole and complete when you come into the world; a miracle of creation. As Dr. Sue Morter would say, “You come into the world with your bag fully packed. It never left your side so you know that no one took anything out that you needed, nor put in anything that you might not want.”

Love relationships are successful when the lovers have had good mentors. The relationship mentors will have a healthy sense of self-love or self-esteem or they cannot live it. More than likely they will have been nurturing, caring, and supportive to us as well as to themselves and each other.

People who have suffered mental or physical abuse, rejection, chaos, or abandonment are likely to be confused about their sense of self worth. If you grew up hearing “you are so clumsy” or “what a stupid girl” and “Daddy left and it’s your fault” you might be holding subconscious ideas about your adult self that reflect those words. Empowering? Hardly. Self-doubt and condemnation will be the soundtrack playing softly in the background of your adult life.

So what to do about this self love/self esteem thing?

Millions of entries show up in a Google search for those phrases, la la gurus market it with bubble bath and candles, and chances are many of us consider sitting down at the end of a long day with a glass of wine or a large whack of premium chocolate a little bit of self love.

And so they are a part of the process.

Bubbles in the tub or a glass can soothe, stroke, and help us to celebrate our wondrous selves and I encourage those things. When followed by “Ah, I am so loving this bath and Oh lord would you look at those thighs” you’ve just ripped the needle from the Barry White record of self love.

Here is a conversation I overheard the other day while shopping for something to wear. Shopper 1: “I am so fat I can’t stand it.” Shopper 2, standing just outside the try on room: “Oh my gawd I feel the same way. I can’t believe I’m such a jerk for eating like my husband all the time when I know it’s not the best way for me to get healthy.”

Sounds like harmless bathing suit shopping horror right? Well it is and isn’t. While it is common for us to talk about ourselves in negative terms, it is not harmless. This kind of talk also means our identity is bound up in a temporal, aging, changing, physical form. We are not our thighs! The body is the vehicle through which we experience our lives. That is all.

But what about repeating actions we know are not best for us, doesn’t that qualify as stupid?

My answer to that is this, Don’t judge yourself one way or the other. You are neither stupid nor smart when you decide to do something. Look at your action as supportive or not supportive. Chose one and be ok with it.

Judging ourselves sets us up to judge others and that’s the beginning of the Catch 22 game of “I am not good enough but neither are you.”

“I don’t deserve to be happy” you might say. Phooey, you come in worthy of all that is good and joyous. Worthy is in your DNA. “I am not strong enough to change my body” you plead. You most certainly are. What in your life so far has killed you? Has your life not proven that you stronger than you know until put to a test?

Just like love. Love is the ultimate strength. Can you see how loving yourself is where the power is?

“I’m such an idiot” is one of my favorite, easy-to-roll-off-the-tongue poisons to the relationship I have with me. Am I? No. “So what’s the big deal”, you ask,” it’s just words.”

The big deal is that your mind accepts what you say, think, or experience as the same. Repeated actions, words, and experiences will shape the brain into grooves. Once the grooves are there the needle plays over and over in that groove and it is harder for us to do something or think something differently. “I am an idiot” is the same as “I am brilliant” as far as the mind is concerned. But which would you rather see yourself as?

There’s more. If you allow that the Law of Attraction is real then you must also believe in the concept of vibrations. We create vibrations every minute because we are energy. Negative thoughts and words are low on the vibration totem pole. They go out and find other low vibrations to tune in to and you get less of what you want. More importantly, you “Be” less than is possible for you when you treat yourself poorly.

“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” -Anonymous’

You are the baby everyone thought was perfect and lovable. You are the child you are raising, or the other you are loving that you cherish and want to protect with all your heart. You are doing the best you can or you would do something else I promise.

Will you try something? Tell your brain that you want to become more aware of your self talk. Listen for the things you say throughout the day and see if they are loving and supportive or not. If not see how you might change how you say something to raise your vibration.

Yesterday while working on this article I looked at the clock. It was 3:15pm. Suddenly I realized that I had 45 minutes to get to the bank to do a transfer so my property tax check would clear today. Immediately I got out my mental cane and started whipping. “How stupid can I get, why didn’t I do this yesterday……” Then I caught myself and changed my thinking. I even talked to myself out loud to make it more powerful. “Wow, how cool is this living intentionally stuff? I listen to my inner wisdom and I’m reminded in plenty of time to do this bank transfer. Nothing like a deadline to get me to into action” said I. What a hoot. It made me smile and that’s a higher vibration and suddenly I felt good about getting the transfer done on time, period.

Try to let your judging, negative voice go. Be loving, forgiving, be gentle. Like you do for others. Marry yourself. Make the commitment to love all of you and see what you are up to as brilliant and just as it should be. Do it if for no other reason than that it will, guaranteed, make your life better.