All she wants to do is talk to me.
And all she wants me to do is listen to her… and enjoy it.
Let’s turn things around, just for a second. It seems to be fine to say, “I feel used,” “He just wants me for sex!” or “He just uses me as a sex object.”
These phrases became part of the common discourse during the feminist movement of the ’70s and were much needed in order for women to move past the thousands of years of oppression they had suffered.
“I’m not going to give him sex until he respects me and talks to me in the way I want.” This is considered an empowering statement, isn’t it?
It’s setting up healthy boundaries.
But there exists a world beyond this sort of withholding and manipulation where we can go that is more empowering for BOTH partners and doesn’t take anything away from either.
Doesn’t it sound a little strange if a guy says, “I’m going to withhold communication from her until she gives me the sex I want, in the way I want it”? He’d be busted for withholding and coercion in a second flat!
Why is it okay to use withholding as a form of punishment to get your needs met on one side and not on the other?
Is there a way to move out of this world of punishment and coercion completely and express our needs in a different way?
There is. it’s a communication technique called the Magic Relationship Method.
This is an invitation for both men and women to engage in a conversation about the elephant that’s stuck on the table. ending the manipulative war and getting your needs met in a healthy, healing and empowering way for both people.
How do we stay powerful without being overpowering?
And how do we stay open, vulnerable and honest, fully connected to what we want and what the other person wants, without becoming a doormat and giving up on our own needs?
How do we expose our soft side — how important sexual intimacy or appreciation — really are to us without them being used against us… without it becoming a negotiation chip for our partner to use?
What do we do when we give up our strategies like manipulation, blackmail and extortion? When we bust ourselves and reveal our secret, desperate, strategies to get their needs met in ways that don’t serve the either person?
First we tell our partner the strategy that we’ve been using that is punitive so that they know that we know we’ve been using it. And then ask for the other person’s help.
An example of this would be to say to your partner, “Normally when I don’t get the love and sex that I want, my strategy is to start withholding love from you (or to stop talking to you) in order to punish you until you change.
But I’m no longer willing to do that.
I’m revealing this strategy to you today because I want our communication to be more open, honest and loving. Please help me by calling me on it when you see it!”
At this point we are declaring that it’s no longer an option and you’ve brought more intimacy to your relationship by revealing your inner self.
You’ve asked your partner for help – which is what any normal human being loves to do. Do you know anybody who doesn’t like to help their loved ones?
And at the same time, the powerfully vulnerable individual fully intends to get his needs met. He fully intends to continue to ask for what he wants and to explore ways to get it that serves both himself and his partner.
To further the conversation you could express your desire to stop allowing yourself to feel the guilt, shame and blame that you hear from her when you express your sexual desires: “I’m unwilling to be embarrassed about my beautiful desire for sexual intimacy.
And I’m wondering if you are willing to explore other ways of getting your needs met, of protecting yourself, and of making sure that whatever you do you do out of love and not guilt blame or shame?”
Transform the way you communicate and you can transform your relationship with anyone.