Are there times when you try to help someone you love, but you end up hurting them instead? You can feel frustrated because you wonder why is it that when you try to help, they can’t seem to receive your help. It makes you feel powerless. You think that if only they would listen to you, you have the solutions, you know what they should do to heal, to be happy. What you don’t realize is that you are not really helping them when you try to help.
The polarity of helping is hurting. When you engage in one polarity, you automatically engage in the other. When someone is hurting, we feel their pain as ours and so we want to eliminate the pain we feel by helping them. On the surface, it seems that we are trying to be good and caring people. But if we go deeper and be really honest with ourselves, we find that what actually drives our desire to help is that we want the pain to go away. We help in order not to hurt.
When someone is hurting and you try to help, they may feel your helping as hurt because they have the right to their pain and now you burden them with judgment and with the intrinsic knowing that their pain is hurting you. They may accept your help just to not hurt you more. But how do you think they really feel? Are they being supported and held? Or are they being judged and feared? They may hear the message of “go away”, under the guise of others wanting to help them.
When others try to fix you and you sense their deeper feelings of discomfort of being with you, does it work? Do you find yourself beautifully growing and healing? No. Likely you will sense the judgment, sense that something about you is not being accepted and loved, and this will prompt you to withdraw deeper into the pain and isolation of your wounds. You may not only feel you own pain, you will also have the added intuitive knowing that you are making many others suffer too.
There is no shame in trying to help. Don’t feel bad for being someone who tries to help. Just learn how to help from a place of awareness instead of a place of ignorance. When you try to help and others can’t seem to be helped but end up being more hurt instead, it makes you feel like a failure. It hurts you. Your trying to help causes you to become attached to their successes and failures. So how can you really help without hurting? You can help by not trying to help.
If we are deeply honest, our helping comes from a place of superiority. It is like we see somebody in an inferior position and feeling we must do something to help. Our perception creates and perpetuates reality. Seeing others as less than, weaker or smaller than only reinforces their staying there. If you really want to help them, you should see them stronger and bigger than their situation. Therefore they don’t need your help, you are only there to remind them of the power they have within themselves.
What is it like to be with someone who truly sees you completely, pain, faults and all, and doesn’t want to fix you? They don’t shrink back from your pain, they accept you for where you are and what you are. There is no agenda, no hope that you will change “for your own good”, no deeper prompting on their part to “help you”, but rather they see you as a capable being, as a powerful soul. They don’t see you as smaller than your destiny or life experiences. They honor your choices and honor you as you are.
Ironically this may look like a “hands off”, powerless approach, but when we are loved and accepted we free ourselves of our pain, we heal and we become all that we were born to be! When you unconditionally love and totally accept others as they are without needing to change them or trying to help them fix what’s wrong, they would feel the message of “stay” you are seen and accepted. Instead of shrinking before your eyes, they would grow, they would rise to the experience!
This kind of detached help is how you help others without hurting them. When you are not comfortable with your own pain or with feelings of powerless, you unconsciously engage in disempowering others by trying to be responsible for their healing. By having a carefree attitude and by being whole yourself and staying whole while engaging with them, you remind them of their wholeness. People don’t need fixing, they need freeing. Don’t try to fix their problems, instead empathize with them and support them.
There are only two movements of consciousness. Love and fear. Love is allowing what is and fear is resisting what is. See the wholeness in others. See them as perfect and that it is ok. Do not shrink back, but stay present with love and acceptance. There is nothing wrong with the world. By expressing wholeness, you cause others to do the same as well. Being whole looks detached and uninvolved, even uncaring to others sometimes, but it is the only way to actually help others and to do so to the fullest!