Find out how you can rebuild the passion and excitement in your relationship, even after sadness and resignation have set in…
Find out about the sexual myths that destroy intimacy – what they are, how to recognize your own myths, and what to do to go beyond them…
Boy do I have a story to share with you.
…and it’s really embarrassing.
But here goes….
It was Paul’s birthday and we were at our favorite Japanese restaurant. It seemed like we were going to have a great evening — until we got home.
I guess we had really different ideas about what would equal a great ending to a great night… and things just got worse.
This is the hard part for us to say, because we’re supposed to know better… but Paul and I got into such a misunderstanding around sex, or the lack of it, that we couldn’t even talk to each other.
Hello? Communication coaches?!
It got pretty bad.
I couldn’t get past the pain. I couldn’t even do my work the next day. I kept thinking about breaking up — that I deserve more respect than somebody who’s going to complain about me “all the time”.
And thinking about breaking up is pretty serious for us: what jobs would we get then?
We’re relationship coaches, for Christ’s sake!
We were supposed to have the answers to everybody else’s relationship pain and here we were acting like five year olds around this argument about whether we have frequent enough sex.
Then, after 10 days of agony, we finally called our coach, the coach of coaches, Linda Hampton.
She saved us!
She made the invisible visible around some of the myths that have been running both Paul and I. After that we felt like we could grapple with the problems.
Once we knew what beliefs our pain was attached to, we could look at them intelligently (or at least more intelligently) and decide what we wanted to do about them.
Linda turned our BREAKDOWN into a BREAKTHROUGH in our relationship.
Everybody needs some outside perspective from time to time to help them see what they can’t see.
Even Tiger Woods has a coach.
So why are we telling you this story? What can you learn from our upset?
The first thing is that every relationship will run into a wall. eventually. A wall is when your problem is bigger then your skill set.
If you don’t know how to change a tire and get a flat on the highway — you just hit a wall. If you don’t know how to talk about sex and intimacy and your passion goes flat — you just hit a wall.
Here are some of the myths that can cause you to run into a wall.
— Men only want sex.
— Women shouldn’t ask for what they want.
— I lost my sex drive.
— If your partner stops wanting sex, he/she doesn’t love you.
— He/she never thinks about or wants sex.
— Only *bad* girls talk about sex or enjoy it.
— All men are *bad* boys.
— Men only want a cook in the kitchen and a freak in the bedroom.
— Men don’t want you to tell them what you need.
— Women don’t give men feedback so they don’t hurt their feelings.
And here are four steps to create change so that you can break through the wall created by these myths.
1) Awareness (the first step is to realize there is an issue that needs to be addressed.)
2) Understanding (this step can be around understanding the issue, it can also be around understanding your partner and yourself. Remember
that your comfort zone is your enemy in relationships. True intimacy and vulnerability is scary stuff.)
3) Agreement (here is where you want to get clear about your commitment to making a change. Are you in this together or alone?)
4) Action (set up steps to take, find your self a coach, or get relationship CDs or maybe a book you can read together.)
I am going to wrap this up with a couple of good, but tough questions:
a) Is your relationship worth saving? Really take a look. Are you trying to remodel a house that has a crumbling foundation or is there something solid to work with?
b) And are you willing to lead this change and be the one who changes first?
If you can say yes to both of those, you are in a great place.
Also, look at your calendar and your check checkbook and do a mini audit. Can you tell what you value most be where you invest your time and money? How much of your time and money are you investing in your relationship?
Most people are very surprised at how little they give their relationships and how much they want back in return.
Do this relationship audit today… and then start bringing back the trust, honesty, intimacy and passion tonight.