So in “Dating To Relating” we went over successful dating principles and I told you I would tell you how to apply these successful “dating principles” to relationships.
1) So let’s take the most important principle of dating – meeting lots of people.
What does this possibly have to do with relationships. Obviously, you are not going to go out and meet woman on “dates,” so how is this applied.
Let’s look at the purpose of meeting lots of people while dating.
The purpose of meeting and dating a lot of people is to learn about the other sex, and yourself with respect to what you like and don’t like in partners.
You do that through communication and observation.
By communication you can, for example:
1) tell people what you think and get their responses, reactions;
2) tell people what you like and get their responses, reactions;
3) tell people the kind of relationship you are looking for and get their reactions;
4) find out what other people think on a certain topic;
5) find out what women like in men;
6) find out what women expect from men;
7) find out what sort of agreement a woman is looking for;
8) find out what sort of relationship a woman is looking for;
9) find out if you have things in common;
9) find out what is on their mind. What sort of things do they bring up and talk about with you.
By observation you can determine:
1) a persons emotions – where are they at most of the time? Are they angry, sad, happy?
2) a persons production level – do they get a lot done or are they lazy?
3) their habits, routines – are they a slob? Neat freak? etc.
4) do they keep their agreements with people?
5) are they moving closer toward you or moving away from you mentally and emotionally?
6) are they an affectionate or cold person?
These lists of communications and observations can go on and on, but above are some examples of things you might want to communicate about and observe when you first meet and start dating a person.
The point is when dating and meeting people we are not doing that just for the heck of it. (At least you shouldn’t be.) You are doing it to learn about people. To qualify prospects and to find someone who is compatible with you.
After you have talked to and observed enough people, you naturally start seeing how things work – what you like and don’t like, what women, in general are looking for, etc.
Without this experience most people (not all) are usually confused about the opposite sex, yet needy, and make judgment mistakes simply because they don’t have a lot of choices.
Their need to have a sexual relationship overrides their need for understanding. So they often compromise their integrity and get involved in something they deep down know they shouldn’t (with the hope or prayer that they can change the situation or person eventually.)
Often these people end up learning the hard way after years and years of bad experiences in a bad relationship.
So in a relationship you still have the same purposes as dating, but with a few substitutions. Instead of learning about how women work, and what you like and dislike about women, and what women like and dislike about men in general; you want to learn how a particular woman works, and what you like and dislike about her and what she likes and dislikes about you in particular.
What makes her move closer to you –emotionally mentally? What makes her move away from you?
The purpose is to get to learn about her and get to know her better each time you spend time with her. This should NEVER end.
Communication and observation. Every time you spend time with your girlfriend or your wife, you have to treat it a little bit like it was a first date. Ask her questions, observe her reactions. Find new territory that you’ve never discussed before. Ask those questions that you are a little afraid to ask. Don’t take her for granted. People are infinitely complex and ever changing.
By doing this continually you will be able to learn about and understand and know your partner better and better continually. You will then be able to use “gradients” to improve and create the relationship as I discuss in my essay –"Creating A Relationship" – The different Types of Create and Gradients.
So when dating you are learning about women and yourself in order to qualify and select the right woman for you. In a relationship you are learning about a particular woman to be able to create the relationship in the direction you would like it to go.
The more you learn the easier it gets.
2) Now how do we use the second dating principle “Use the dating experience to develop a concept of your ideal women.” in a relationship?
Well you are pretty much going to do the same thing. Write down the qualities that you
really like in your partner and write down the qualities that you don’t like. In a relationship, you have to continually confront both the positive and the negative.
Reinforce the positive qualities – If you like it when your wife wears make-up and does her hair. Make a big deal about it every time she does it. Tell her how beautiful she looks. If she gets positive reinforcement I guarantee you she will do it more often. Don’t ever take a woman (or anyone) for granted. If you take things for granted, they will soon disappear
Whatever you have on your like list – reinforce it, compliment it, acknowledge it continually and it will remain and get even better.
Now the things you don’t like, use “gradients” to change.( See: "Creating A Relationship" – The different Types of Create and Gradients.)
Also be willing to trade. If she eats popcorn in bed and it irritates the hell out of you, well, be willing to give up reading that magazine on the toilet that irritates the hell out of her.
When dating we used this principle to develop an “ideal” of the kind of woman we would want to have a relationship with. When in a relationship we use this principle to create that ideal with the woman we are with.
3) Don’t compromise your integrity is another major dating principle that applies to relationships as well. Sometimes we have to tell our little “white lies” to not hurt another’s feelings, but when the choice comes down to “compromising your integrity” or “hurting another’s feelings” it is usually better NOT to compromise your integrity.
If not compromising your integrity leads to a breakup, then it wasn’t the right relationship for you. Be honest and open in your communications with your partner, don’t be afraid to tell them how you really feel about things. In the end if you stick with your integrity, it will all work out for the best for everyone.
Always keep your word. That is a part of integrity. A man or woman really doesn’t have more much than their word that people can count on. If your word is worthless, than so are you.
4) When you are dating and meeting lots of people it also helps if you are a non-jealous person. That still applies if you are in a healthy relationship. It is actually good for men and woman to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as they are monogamous people and have worked through all their tendencies to not be monogamous it can actually help a healthy relationship to have opposite-sex friends.
If you have the right girl or guy and you hang for a little while with someone who is not right, all it does is make you appreciate your partner even more and NOT take them for granted.
This issue totally depends on you having worked through jealousy issues in the dating stage. If you haven’t, you may not be able to do it in a relationship. And certainly, if you realistically can’t trust your spouse (because of past transgressions, etc.) than jealousy and opposite-sex friends may not be something you can easily resolve. And it may not even be a good idea to try.
5) Even in relationships, it is also important, as in dating, that you don’t get needy – but in a different way. Obviously you are going to see the person more than once or twice a week. But make sure you have your own life. Don’t depend on your partner for your own existence.
Be able to do things apart and separate from each other. Be able to be in the same room without needing to talk or interact. Be able to do you own thing while together. Men should never force their sexual needs on a woman – that will make sex quite an unenjoyable experience for both of you very quickly.
Women are actually much more sexual creatures than men, but what turns them on and gets them in the mood isn’t the same as for men. Men are also in the mood much more quickly.
If men don’t understand the differences between men and women sexually, both partners (including younger women who often feel they don’t like sex that much simply because they have not had a good male sex partner that knew how to prepare them for sex, or give them an orgasm) may get the impression that the female is not into sex. (See my article entitled “How To Get Your Wife or Girlfriend To Want More Sex.”)
6) And the last dating principle – don’t get involved in sex too soon- can be also utilized as a relationship principle with a slight modification. Don’t get involved in “intercourse” too quickly – and that can be applied every time you have sex.
Women need foreplay. Give it to them. You’ll be a better lover and you will also enjoy sex more if you get into foreplay. There is a lot more to sex than an orgasm. If you are a guy and you haven’t figured that one out yet, there is a lot more information about this on our website. Use it.
(c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.