Olive experiences constant anxiety regarding her children.
She fears they might be harmed or might suffer in some way. This turns her into a verified “interrogator,” a role through which she attempts to control them and her husband so she can “protect” everyone. She uses questions, criticism and advice to hopefully prevent any problems for her children, but in this way, she has become their problem. They feel suffocated and have begun to react negatively.
She drags her husband Theodore into these arguments, sometimes in front of her children, trying to convince him that she is right about what she is asking from the children for their own good.
Theodore is also concerned about the children, but does not think of all the dangers that come to Olives mind. She thinks of the problems they will have ten years from now in their marriages and work environment. He sees them as children who are now interested in things other than what they will be doing in ten years, and who will gradually face those situations when they come upon them. There are times when he is affected by Olives anxiety and experiences fear and worry because these thoughts mirror some of his own fears.
He subconsciously balances her extreme stance by seldom agreeing with her, something that infuriates her. She then changes mode from interrogator to intimidator. Theodore tries to calm her down at first, but frequently ends up in the counter intimidator mode when she does not stop.
Olive feels totally responsible for her childrens health, happiness, education, success and life in general. If their lives are not perfect she perceives herself as a total failure and has no self-worth as a parent or a person. She also has very little faith in their own ability to care for themselves and program their lives. Although she goes to church regularly, she does not connect her faith with any type of divine wisdom or inner divine guidance or protection for her children.
She has become totally disappointed with Theodore, who by her standards is completely indifferent and irresponsible in bringing up the children. She does not see that her exaggeration forces him to the other extreme, and he does not see that his going to the other extreme simply aggravates her condition.
Each child protects himself in a different way. The oldest boy has become the perfect Aloof, ignoring all this and making sure he is out of house most of the time. Their daughter reacts like an intimidator toward her mother and plays the victim for her father. The youngest boy keeps to himself and his games.
What do Olive and Theodore need to learn in order
to once again find their happiness, peace and unity?
Could she need to learn some of the following lessons:
To have more faith in her children, their intelligence and their ability to protect themselves and succeed in life?
To have more faith in God and the Divine Wisdom and Justice for her children?
To realize that each is being overseen by the one universal consciousness and that nothing “accidental” can happen?
To see her children as immortal spirits in a process of evolution, temporarily incarnated in these bodies for the process of learning, and that nothing could ever happen to them that is not a part of their learning process?
To free herself from the role of parent and realize that her self-worth does not depend on what happens to her children?
To free herself from her anxiety about what other people will say about her if something happens to her children?
To find other interests in life so she will not need her children so much and focus on them in an exaggerated way?
To free herself from any feelings of guilt that make her feel she might be punished through her children or that they do not have divine protection?
To love them without needing to receive from them or being attached to affirmation through their success?
To realize that humans learn through their experience and that those who do not confront difficulties seldom develop inner strength?
To realize that she is only harming their own self-confidence by worrying about them?
To understand that her negative thoughts pass onto to them whether she expresses them or not?
To realize that worrying and fear will never solve problems?
Could he need to learn some of the following lessons:
To recognize that his not agreeing systematically with Olive only makes the problem worse?
To express his opinions and needs more clearly?
To remove from himself those parts that also fear for the children?
To take a more active role in guiding the children?
To show more affection and love to Olive?
To spend more time with the children?
To be able to maintain his patience when Olive gets anxious and not stoke her fire with his tension?”
From the book “Relationships of Conscious Love”
By Robert Elias Najemy