The most daunting feeling I have ever had was to be married and discover I was completely alone!
It was my first marriage and I was only 23 and she was 18. She asked me to marry her and I jumped at the opportunity. We didn’t know each other for very long-just a few weeks.
I have always been a loner with few friends; in fact my circle of friends usually consisted of one. My family moved often and when I did make a new friend it was for a short period. Because I lived in a very dysfunctional family and a hostile environment, I managed to survive by hiding and finding my own space. In my family, I was alone. Still this loneliness didn’t prepare me for what I was to experience a day or two after I was married.
My new wife made some off-comment to me, and it hit me-what have I done? I walked away and for a moment of solitude and I realized this person didn’t know me, she had no idea of who or what I was and I married her-what do I do now? The feeling was overwhelming and I panicked. I held back my tears and swallowed hard. I was so much happier on my own. Now I have this person who can create this feeling in me-what have I done?
I eventually got over it for the most part, but the feeling never completely left and remained lingering in the background for the next seven years until we finally separated.
Over the next nine years I kept busy at my job, spending long hours with my head buried in my work.
During my adult life, I was always around people, but never got involved with them and I maintained only a single friendship with another. I like to be around people but do not like getting drawn into the drama of their lives, so the relationships have all been very superficial.
I met another lady and history repeated itself. She asked me to marry her and I agreed after a few weeks. She had two really nice children and I got along with them. We were married in the living room of our new house with a host of her friends and relatives. My single friend attended and was my best man.
A day or two later, the same thing happened. An off-hands comment brought up the fear I experience before-what did I do-how could I be so stupid and make the same mistake? I was scared as hell.
I survived the next six months and I left the relationship because of very different lifestyles. We remained friends for years, and I have never remarried. That haunting feeling of being so terribly alone remains as a silent partner.
I have been single for over 20 years now and have lived a very solitary lifestyle. I love my own company and the alone time gives me ample time to write my articles, books, and maintain my web sites. I work four hours a day at a sales job that requires me to visit people in their homes.
I visit two to three thousand homes a year and I spend as much time as I can with them when I feel a strong connection.
For all the years of being alone and happy, I very much aware of the need for a strong personal connection with another. I continue to write about this in my articles and books. “We are not alone-we are all one” has been one of my favourite affirmations. The spirit in me needs to see the spirit in you. Spirit longs to know spirit intimately and be recognized. I have failed terribly in my own life to maintain a close personal connection to another. Spiritual awareness has brought to me the connection between myself, others, and my environment, but not the feeling so necessary to maintain the joy that we all seek. My life is full, but the lacking is at a basic fundamental level of connection to another, someone special.
Some people keep busy and some drown themselves in relationships and things trying to ignore the loneliness, but there is no escape. It is the loneliness of the spirit that wants to be known, connected, and recognized which keeps us going or not. Despair and loneliness drives many to unhappy endings. Being around people or even in a relationship is not the final connection that heals.
Being in a relationship and not connected, is like a toaster unplugged from the source-what good is it.
Being alone in a relationship is the loneliness feeling you can imagine. It is the measurable distance between ego and spirit. It is also a measure of one’s immaturity, as relationships are the greatest gifts that one can have. It is a golden opportunity to declare who you are and demonstrate it. It says to the world and the universe, “This is who I am, in this moment and in this relationship.” It demonstrates one’s ability to change, negotiate, and evolve-to move to a place of better understanding and enlightenment. Alone in relationship is self denial and demoralizing.