13 Sexy Ways To Get More Customers

I have successfully used the techniques described below in my book (ROAD RAGE + OTHER MANIC EXPRESSIONS) in the capture of lunatics. And as the average customer can be quite irrational in their decision, I believe they should work equally well in the same circumstances. So for the purpose of simplicity we will assume that a “new customer” and a “lunatic” are interchangeable nomenclatures, and your business ambition is to catch as many of them as possible in the shortest time.

1. If you flunked GCE mathematics, there is no way that these will work for you, and you’ll probably be wasting your time, as well as making a proper spectacle of yourself. You might also be arrested.
2. This product is offered without any guarantee. You have been warned.
3. This product was packaged in an environment that produces nuts.


1.The Method of Inverse Geometry – Place a locked spherical cage in the street, empty of customers, and enter it. Invert with respect to the cage. This maps the customer to the interior of the cage and you outside it.

2. The Method of Projective Geometry – Assume that the entire world is a plane surface. Project this to a line, then project the line to a point inside the cage. The customer goes to the same point (Moral: Well,lunatics always stick to the same point anyway)

3.The Bolzano-Weierstrass Method – Bisect the world by a line running North to South. At least one customer will be in one half. Bisect that half by a line running East to West. The customer is in one half. Continue the process indefinitely, at each stage building a fence. The customer is soon enclosed by a fence of arbitrary small length.

4.The Method of Parallels- Select a point in the street and introduce a non-customer not passing through that point. This leads us to three possible solutions. One; the geometry is Euclidean; which means there is then a unique parallel customer passing through the selected point. Grab him as he passes. Two; the geometry is hyperbolic which permits us to catch infinitely many customers by the same method. Three; the geometry is elliptic, which suggests that there are no parallel customers, so every customer meets every other customer. Thus we follow a typical customer and catch all the customers he meets; in this way every customer in the street will be captured.

5.The Thum-Zeeman Method – We know that a customer loose is an obvious hazard to your profits. It has three dimensions of control – two for position, one for time; and one dimension of behaviour, being parameterised by a customer. Hence by Thum’s Classification Theorem it is a swallowtail. A customer that has swallowed his arse is in no state to avoid capture

6. The Hilbert Method – Place a locked cage on the street. And set up the following axiomatic system.
a. The set of customers is non-empty.
b. If there is a customer in the street, then there is a customer in the cage.
Thus leading to a theorem that there is a customer in the cage.

7. The Erathostenich Method – Enumerate all persons in the street; examine them one by one; discard all that are not customers. A refinement will capture only prime customers.

8. The Peano Method – There exists a space-filling curve passing through every point in a street. Such a curve may be traversed in as short a time as we please. Armed with a heavy stick, traverse the curve faster than the customer can move.

9.The Method of Backward Induction.- We prove by backward induction the statement L(n) : ‘ It is possible to capture n customers’. This is true for sufficiently large n since the customers will be packed like sardines possibly on the Central Line and have no room to escape. But trivially L (n+1) implies L (n) since, having captured n+1 customers, we can release one. Hence L (n) is true.

10. The Bouraki Method- Observe that the capture of a customer in the street is a special case of a far more general problem .Formulate this problem and find necessary and sufficient condition for its solution. The capture of a customer is now a trivial corollary of the general theory.

11. Surgery – The customer is an orientable three-manifold with boundary and so may be rendered contractible by surgery.

12. The Postlikov Method – The customer being hairy may be regarded as a fibre space. Construct Postnikov decomposition. A decomposed customer must of course be long dead.

13. The Game Theory Method – implies that the customer is an analysable problem, hence certainly a game. There exists an optimal strategy, Follow it.